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Apr 24 09 6:46 AM
What a Woman Wants in a Man
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
Apr 26 09 5:31 AM
A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machines or mine?"
May 3 09 2:14 AM
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians,
Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES.
" You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore. ..
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
May 3 09 2:18 AM
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected...
May 15 09 3:08 AM
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the
carburettor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
Oct 22 09 2:22 AM
mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex
with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I
was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Nov 18 09 2:32 AM
Fight with wifes begins
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told
her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's
how the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And
that's how the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up
at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.
Nov 20 09 5:49 AM
Photographer and the Pilot
photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically
called his office to hire a plane
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's
go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Nov 24 09 12:50 AM
Dec 9 09 2:13 AM
Courtesy Towards Lady
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's Lap.
Dec 18 09 5:38 AM
Answer Machine Message
Hello. Jane and I aren't here right now but if...
Jane: Dan, what are you doing?
Dan: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Jane: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Dan: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Jane: No, you selfish _#@%@%!$_ (mailto:#@%@%!$) . It's definitely my turn!
Dan: Jane, you ignorant slut. I know it's... wait... Jane... what are you
doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Jane: Dan is out right now, so please leave your name and number
Jan 11 10 5:40 AM
When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your tooth brush
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